*whistles* It has been a very interesting, very trying 24-some hours. (I'm typing this on a slightly sticky laptop, so don't mind the typos)

First off, I think I jiinxed myself. I have the uncanny ability to do just that, and it makes me wonder when I'll learn NOT to plead for news about Dustin -- as frequently the news I receive is depressing. And so it was last night.

Dustin has decided, and rightly so, that he needs some space to think. His parents have forbade him to ever speak to me again, but I can't see how long "again" will be, considering next year he'll be 18, and the year after he'll be off to college and living on his own.

Anyway... for the first time in nearly a year, I'm single. (How much like a plead for attention does that sound like?) It's so odd. I'm so used to devoting much of myself to thinking about Dustin, and mind I still do just as much as before... but I'm a little nervous. (Wow, I'm glad I didn't write this last night - none of y'all would want to read it then).

It hurts a bit still, 'cause I'm not sure when the next time I'll be able to talk to him will be. That and I feel just slightly betrayed... he promised me something, and the promise changed with the conditions, and while it was perfectly valid, promises aren't supposed to change with conditions -- they wouldn't carry any value then.

I'm also scared that the next time we do talk, the attraction won't be there anymore. Okay, honestly, that doesn't just scare me; it petrifies me.

Yes, I know, I sound like a very young adolescent discovering love for the very first time, but I thought - and I still think, quite strongly (which I think may be the reason I SOUND like a naive adolescent)- that he's the person I'm gonna spend my life with.

So we're taking a break.

No big deal, right?

No. 'course not. I just pray that his parents get off his back about me; if I knew I was going to be such a pain in the ass for him, I never would have committed to anything in the first place.

Whew. So now you know my emotional state; what about my physical state?

Bad and swiftly declining.

I was sick going here - bit by a bug back home - and I'm just getting worse.

How'd I sleep last night?

Horribly, thanks.

I was kept up for a bit rolling things through in my head, which I really, really should not have done. I was tired and I was depressed, and that definitely did NOT help me out. AT ALL. So anyway, I didn't get even remotely tired till around 2. I was exhausted at 3... but here's the layout. Two beds and an airmattress; six of us. Dad and John on one bed, me and Grace on another, mom and stephen o the floor. Let me tell you something about my sister - she sleeps at a diagonal. Her feet take up one half of the bed while her upper body takes up the other. You try sleeping with a pair of nasty feet spread out over your legs. Also, she talks in her sleep. Or rather, mumbles incoherently. Rather loudly.

And then there's my parents.

It seems to me that by the tie you're 40, you become an awful snorer. Maybe it's just part of being that o...er... young. So here I am, with a sister blabbing away about corndogs or something to some guy named Daniel while my Dad is on my far left snoring a tune to rival Beethoven, and my mom on my right snoring in awful harmony. Oh yeah, loudly. And then there's that damn infant next door.

All that to say I didn't get to sleep until 4. Then, thanks to a rather startling SNAHORT from one of my parents -- althought it was so loud it could very well have been both -- I woke at six.

Well... brother begging for the 'top, so I best be off.

Till later

End