Bleck, I thought I was stronger'n this. I mean, God, he needs his space badly, and I don't want him to get in trouble on my account, and I don't want him to feel bad for a damn thing... I thought I my warring emotions had come to terms, but evidently not.

I love him so much, and I'll wait for him... but Lillian, good ol' sensible Lillian, attempted to talk some plain, common sense into me last night. I'm such a stubborn ass sometimes.

She said "Well you can wait for him all you want, but that's not to say he's gonna wait for you," essentialy.

She's right. It's so obvious, huh? I can't say that I never thought of it, but I can't say that I did, either. Everytime I began to think about it, I skirted the subject and focused on something more positive.

I don't want to hold him back. He's extracted himself from any of the 'bindings' of a relationship, so it's not like there is anything holding him back, and I don't want to leap on him and ask him to wait... becase he broke up with me, see, so if he doesn't want to he doesn't have to.

God, I sound stupid, I know. I'm trying to sort this all out, and writing is the best way to do that, and why not write in my journal? That's what it's there for, right? But it gives y'all a scrambled entry, and something you'd probably rather not read anyway.

It's my journal, though. So there. I'll write what I want. ;p

*sigh*

Anyway.

He was on earlier for about five minutes. I still have the buddy alert set on him (I can't bring myself to take it down - I still have one up on Matt, too, for what it's worth XD), and it still surprises and delights me to hear it... with an overlay of mild heartache now. Maybe that's what sparked the said 'warring emotions' into rekindling their fight. I don't know.

And then there's another factor.

I won't tell you his name; we'll refer to him as X for now.

I'm very fond of X, but not in the same sense... it's one of those 'rebound' things, you know? And it seems to me that X is as fond, if not more, of me. 'course, not in a rebound sense there. I don't want to become involved, because it's just asking for trouble, but I need a hug from a special somebody soon. As much as all my friends are special somebodys, they're not special somebodys. Their hugs are friend hugs - a power to be reckoned with in itself - but they aren't friend hugs. If you know what I mean. ... Which you probably don't.

If I told you what X said to me today, he'd know who he is, and I don't really want that. It might get one of us hurt. But it was very, very nice. Just a greeting, but it cheered me up. Extensively. He's not Dustin, though. He's X. And I want Dustin, not X. But I don't get Dustin... I get X. ... And a headache!

UGH I don't know where this is GOING! I feel like I'm trapped inside one of those romance Manga thingus... Marmalade Boy, maybe. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I end up just killing myself trying!

So. Nessa loves Dustin. Dustin loves Nessa, maybe. In any event, Dustin can't talk to Nessa, and decided to 'postpone' things until later. Thrie reassures Nessa that things will patch up, and that Nessa and Dustin can make things work as long as they want to. Lillian tells Nessa to give up and move on; just because Nessa is waiting for Dustin, Dustin might not wait for Nessa. Nessa knows this. X reassures Nessa. Nessa leans towards X in a rebound, but refuses to get involved - Nessa would be lying to X if that happened; Nessa doesn't want that.

*phew*

So there. Now I'm going to take my spinning head and read something. Or finish my homework.

End